portland commentary

      portland. portland, portland, portland. my first two months in this town have been strange and frustrating. only not strange enough and entirly too frustrating. i feel like an assasin that has been given an erasor and told to kill. still, there have been a few justifying moments. while working at the jazz bar i listened to the stories mel brown told me. mel brown is a drummer that played with stevie wonder, martha and the vandellas, james brown and marvin gaye, just to name a few. and the streets, after the rain had glued the leaves down into a beautiful collage of oranges and browns. and....did i mention mel brown?..... i have come to a rash generalization that people on the west coast have a very different sense of humor. they don't laugh much. most of the people i have met that seem to be having any sort of fun at all are usually from the east coast. no one here likes wierdness. they brush off one day after the next like rubbing sleep from their eyes.
      there have been very few times in my life that i have seriously considered a life of crime but currently it's becoming a bright and shining option. not that i would ever have the courage to do such a thing. the van by the river is more my style. i am too protected to ever really suffer. it's harder to know what you need than it is to know what you want. right now i feel i need a job. i have been over looked for employment at the music stores; too many guitar players. the thrift shops; there are those that are more in need of a job. the corporations; gaps in my employment history. i've sold one of my guitars for $200. and resorted to, shall we say, charitable donations from friends and family. but that's the thing about life. you never know what'll happen next. it seems the more you let go of trying to control things the further things go. life, love, money, spirit. only i have been trained to worry about my health and financial situation. trying to break that habbit is harder than i thought it would be.
      a funny thing. one night i decided to read revelations, what with the impending apocalypse. confusing book, revelations. my mother told me that some people think it was a message written in code so as not to be understood by the romans. whatever it is, it's a little freaky. about 30 minutes after i layed down the bible and began the trek to my dreams, i experienced an earth quake. i grabbed my pants and boots and stood in the door way to my room. i figured that i didn't want to be running around the streets in my underware or worse, found dead in my drawers. seemed for two weeks that no one else felt it until a friend looked it up. i wasn't crazy. it was only 3.4, but it was there. so this is the mental picture you should have right now. me standing in a doorway wearing my boots, holding my pants. grasping for the doorframe and preparing to meet my doom. yep, i'm a dork. turns out that most people aren't killed in the earthquake itself, but rather the fires and explosions afterward. great! i like fire so much more. though i can't see portland burning much, what with all the rain. sun comes up at 7:30 and shines it's muted light through the clouds. then 4 pm, darkness. ah, the dark.
      my first gig in portland. a coffeshop. a table of deaf people sit to my right and the coffee guy talks over my singing. and people look irritated at having to get their coffee while someone is singing. then the table of the deaf errupt into awkward laughter. i look up from my singing and all my friends are laughing in hysterics. stuart is crying from laughter. i loose my place and they begin to laugh harder. some things never change. any gig i play is doomed, yet i continue to try.
      anna and i went to the coast to see some whales. there were no whales. it rained.
      i am beginning work at a credit card company. perhaps they will see me for what i am. perhaps i will slip by them like a curious phenomena.