slappin' ass across the country

sunday,    july 4th  1:46am

     it begins innocently enough.  10 years of  late night coffee drinking, early morning reruns of perry mason and andy griffith, 70 some jobs and a lot of gigs.  eventually something has to give, and though i'm somewhat set in my ways, this time it's me.  i have given every chance for 9 to 5 living to work for me, but my learned hatred of that life has finally prevailed.  and so i pack my bags and rush around like an ant chased by the threat of a magnifying glass preparing for some end to my current way of life.  it probably would have been better to just abandon my posessions and leave with a couple pairs of drawers, my guyaberra and boots...but i have alway been one in need of preparation.  so after losing my job, i had a yard sale.  and with the needed support of my friends and parents, i was able to scrape up enough to actually leave with some confidence.  accept that i actually haven't left yet.  there is the small matter of my car.  it's having some problems passing the emissions test.  and so i wait.
     fitting that this is the 4th of july.  steve and i had talked about claiming our independance on the 4th.  quitting our jobs and splitting town.  but steve left early.  i suppose he's sitting in turkey now, drinking coffee, listening to tom waits or thelonious monk.   i can only hope i will soon be in his same state of mind.

friday, july 9th 4am

    i sat outside tonight and watched the bats drop out of the trees like giant moths. listened to the traffic on 66 and the hum of the streetlight. my thoughts at times like these always lead me off into other worlds. worlds full of ghosts. their thoughts lost except for letters and journals saved by families, stored in a box under someone's bed. i remembered a letter to zebadia crumbaker from her husband. it described the night francis scott key wrote the star spangled banner. talked of how they could see the british troops just over the hill. and though they were not involved in any battle, some general sent them a side of beef as a congratulatory award for bravery. only the beef was bad, so they held a funeral for it and lowered it into the ground. so, a few hundred years from now someone will find a letter from me describing how i danced on the side of the new jersey turnpike with flares in my hands and caused an accident, or any other story. it seems strange to think that we are all destined to be stored in a box under a bed, waiting for someone to read us.

sunday, july 11th 11:32pm

     on a whim i decided to go to the beach with nancy and allison. allison's family has a house in kill devil hills, NC. nancy and i left about 9ish on friday night and arrived sometime in the early morning. we were quite giddy having had no sleep and about 6, 20's of good ol' sev mediocre blend. i have a devine love for coffee. there is a point when coffee drinking leaves the realms of casual enjoyment and becomes a relationship. i wont try to explain or justify this, but it's in the same realm as the ritual of baths, or tying your boot laces. the trip down was quite fun. everything was funny til about 8am, then we bottomed out. we couldn't get into the house until 10:30 so we had about two and a half hours to kill. we ate grits at some awful place called...grits,...and something. whatever it was, it should have had another name like "shitty grits". so feeling sick we left and drove around looking for a specific shop that sold old school flip flops for 99 cents. it didn't open til 8 so we sat on the beach and watched the sun rise. i suppose sunrises are supposed to be inspiring, but we were too tired and found it more rewarding to throw sand at each other. then we walked along the beach and admired the trash and dead sea life that had washed ashore. ...aahhhh, the beach. when the junk shop opened i got my flip flops. then we ate more breakfast, (feta and spinach omelets), and went to kmart where i got a straw hat, yellow swim trunks and sun block,...cause i'm a honkey. then to the house and to sleep. allison showed up at some point and let me sleep while she and nancy went for a bike ride. then i got up and we went to the beach. though it was only hours ago, the timeline is beginning to escape me. so i will list the events in random order. stung by jellyfish, hit with shopping cart by angry woman who yelled at me to get out of the way, slipped in drunken margaritaville singin' white collar scum's melted ice water, giant blond woman yelled at the entire store(that made me feel good),...and after that, the afternoon was a lot better.
     saying goodbye to allison was something i had been avoiding. my parents as well. actually there are many people i didn't want to say goodbye to. there is a finality to this trip. i know it must be real, though it doesn't seem to be breathing yet, and the whole thing is wrought with frustration. still, there is a change occurring. how do you say thank you to your parents for all they have put up with? the never ending support and love. especially me, what with illness and various childhood problems. dropping out of college 4 times, then the jobs, all of them. i'm not exactly a child to be proud of, by normal standards anyway. allison and our undefinable friendship and love. billups, the years of struggle and love. i could list so many people. so i tried to ignore it thinking that it would just make things worse. so we said goodbye and i started in, but only for a moment. i kept telling myself that all this didn't matter because i would be back in october. and now it's to bed with me. tired. worn.