go west young man

friday,        july 22nd        10:05 pacific

         so here i am in a motel in bakersfield, ca. the ghosts that normally inhabit the back seat of my car have been quiet, if there at all. or maybe i haven't been paying attention. or maybe it's that i removed the back seats.
          i left dc a week ago. stayed at the farm with my sister and her family. then drove strait to denver with a brief stay in kansas to nap for a few hours and bathe. i did drive around lawrence, kansas a little. raced the train, looked for signs of bill burrows and got a thermos full of coffee from a local that was trying to convince me that he had what it took to play the lottery.
          as of yet, i don't know what my mission is. my last one was a hoax. after infiltrating the corporate world for only a few months they were on to me. i suppose that i have been out too long and my distaste for that life shows to greatly. so i will continue to roam until a direction comes clearer.
          entering colorado. it had just stormed a beautiful storm complete with lightning strikes and clouds so big they blacked out the sky. and that's no small feat, considering the way skies do out there. there is no comparison, like the dash of an old impala to that of a Toyota. just all consuming. so i pulled off the road to pee, and while doing so i looked up at the stars. they were so bright i could see them with my bad eye. so there i was squinting at the stars, overcome with emotion. crying and laughing because i was still peeing. i thought it was funny how those moments have nothing and everything to do with timing. me, the road, the stars, my bad eye and the most natural function of peeing. all wrapped in my sobs and laughter drowned out by the highway. that moment will stay with me forever. i was finally free again.
          next came denver. i stayed with tom downey, ugly's first bass player. it was good to see the sarge. we had lots of talks of random topics, as conversations go. he told me of an old friend of our that made the observation that in the days past, the tallest buildings were churches. now the tallest buildings are business' and financial institutions. we went to all sorts of places in denver, of which my favorite was this burrito joint that made what i would say is the worlds best burrito. while tom was at work i drove around one day. down some road built in the 40's and 50's for transients. lined with motels hanging names on faded signs like, big bunny, sunset village, mesa motor inn, west end inn. these are the same places that have bathrooms that smell like silly putty and there is always someone there who looks like an extra in a b movie. the old clerk that hides under the desk, or the spanish maid that smiles and nods at anything you say. i must have spent some time in these places in a past life. they hold some sort of lost memory for me. i like them, but feel no urge to go in.
          we also experienced a diabetic junkie woman in the park having some sort of reaction. her boyfriend and i broke up candy and put it under her tongue. turns out her brother had just died and so in a state of mourning both her and her sisters tried to kill themselves. her wrist was bleeding badly and wrapped in an old t-shirt. so tom went to call the ambulance, while the boyfriend and i tended to this woman. funny thing, i felt worse for the boyfriend than i did for the woman. he had little tears welled up in the corner of his eyes while he talked to her. i was again pulled away from myself, watching this event happen. i don't know if he was crying because of life, pressure or his love for this woman. i have increasingly less and less to say as life progresses. so that was denver. like a postcard you've kept since childhood.
          i left denver near midnight on wednesday and drove to grand junction, colorado. the canyons were pretty even at night. giant black walls that blocked out the sky, and lit up the canyon walls like angel wings. there were broken signs floating from side to side in the desert wind. i pulled over at a vista to watch the sun set. i made coffee. i peed off a cliff. i didn't want to leave. it wasn't stirring, just calm. under the cliff edge about 30yards down was a cave. it was only about 10 to 15 feet deep. but inside were the names of it's many visitors scratched on the walls. like a little museum to be found by years of passers by.
          i don't remember much of the drive to las vegas, being that i was traveling at night again. but as i topped the hill, the city lit up like some giant craft had landed in the desert with the world most discerning people aboard. vegas is a dirty nightmare filled with yesterdays criminals. you can see their lives ending like a piece of bright plastic melting in the hands of a fire happy child. little pops of flame with black dripping edges. vegas, blech!
          (directions to the elvis marriage chapel: charleston street exit off rt.15, bare left, take a left on freemont and the chapel is on your right)
          seems the motel in grand junction, co had put a hold on my checking account. so with $140 in my account, i was able to access $4. the bank people came in at 9am est, and it was 5am in las vegas. so i waited at the gas station until the whole thing could be straightened out....but it wasn't. somehow i was supposed to wait for another 4 days until the motel dropped the hold. so i left las vegas in the hopes that the bank would pay for the gas i had filled my tank with. the attendant wrote me up as a drive off and if the gas was not paid for within 24 hours, they would put out a warrant for my arrest. so with that on my mind i headed off to my next destination, death valley, ca.
          despite the name it wasn't such a bad place. foreshadowing my future, the roads were like a go cart track. i enjoyed the ride probably more than kansas. (joke). tiny little roads with shear drops. it looked like where the people always die in perry mason shows. i had a dream later that i had driven off one of these roads on purpose screaming with joy the whole way down and then not dying. just stuck at the bottom. the dream would replay over and over in different scenarios. i thought perhaps it meant my subconscious wanted us to die in some fun glorious way, but perhaps i was scared the outcome would leave me in worse shape. then again it could just mean that i always do things without thinking about the outcome. or maybe it means i'm an alien and can't die in cars because the mother ship wouldn't like it..... coming out of death valley is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen. it looks like a paint spill of blue, green and lavender that a city of people slid through then left quietly. there, again, i couldn't get gas because of the motel. i was able to drive to a neighboring town and call a few people in northern va. finally, after standing at the pay phone outside the western union, business slowed enough to see if the money had come in. jeff had wired me enough money to complete my trip and with another motel stay to boot! i bathed slept and began this report. now it is august something, or the beginning of september. i haven't really kept track. i'm in napa preparing for bed and thinking of my ghosts. the old man stands outside the window. the others have left for the time being, accept for the little one that seems to stand behind me or hide under the table. and so until tomorrow i will commune with my friends.